Q: How do you deal with divorce and help your children deal with it as well, especially when there is another person involved other than the parent? They just don't seem to get along with the other person, and it really makes it hard for me. I feel as if everything is my fault and that I'm a failure as a parent. Also, the children want me to go back to their father. Please advise.
A: There is no way to avoid the emotional upheaval that divorce brings. Initiating a divorce often provokes guilt, and both parties often undergo feelings of loss.
Divorce is traumatic for children and requires an extended period of adjustment. You did not mention the age of your children; however, the older children are, the more aware they are of the loss divorce brings. Youngsters miss the daily contact with the absent parent and also have to adjust to the loss of the family unit.
Listen with compassion to your children's feelings and allow them to express their frustrations and pain. When they ask about you and their father getting back together, respond with tenderness: "Your father and I cannot live together happily. I feel very bad about that."
Stop there. Don't explain your reasons for choosing divorce. Defending yourself suggests you want your children to support your actions. It is unfair to ask the children to approve of your decision.
Don't expect the children to welcome a new parent-type person into the family at this point. They cannot offer their acceptance until after they are much further along in the mourning process. Take a good deal of time before you bring your "other person" into their lives. Children often feel that liking a new friend of a parent makes them disloyal to their other parent.
Make an effort to take the children to gatherings of the extended family. They need the support of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. The children need to feel as if they still belong to the big family, even if the nuclear family has been disrupted.
Join a support group for parents going through divorce. Listening to other parents sharing their problems and solutions can help ease your anguish. Seek out the help of a counselor to resolve some of your emotional conflicts. Realize that adjusting to divorce is a matter of years, not months or weeks.
